the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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