If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I've blown a few things in my day
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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