Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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