some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
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