my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
