Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
