He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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