the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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