we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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