I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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