Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
