in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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