Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
