I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
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