I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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