just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
