I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
