Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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