i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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