he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
