cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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