there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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