you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
