1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
