I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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