even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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