Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
