I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
