She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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