youre lurking in front of me
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
