All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
he shaved USA in his pubs
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
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