dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
