I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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