Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
