It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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