I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
