she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
