At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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