No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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