This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
