I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
