he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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