Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
