I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
