Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize
