I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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