Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
