how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
he high fived his dick after we had sex
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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