i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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