you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
