dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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